Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

Only a mother’s love …

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.