I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
