I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
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If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Phones down.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you