Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

What’s so funny?

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower