I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
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The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Just ordered me some pizza!
