Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

Never deleting this app.

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.

nurse: how do you rate your pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone

Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

Human stupidity exists because, if everyone were smart, we’d have no one to laugh at on the internet.

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

I love texting my boyfriend

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

won’t smith

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…