Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?

Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4