Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”

He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.

Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

So many people to disappoint, so little time

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.