I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
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Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”