I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
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Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent