Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?

Dr: I hate this job.

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.

Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks