I’ve never been skydiving, but I’ve zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.

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Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.


If he’s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text…be smart enough to reply to all

“I still haven’t gotten my period.”


Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?


Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.


Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!


what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing


me getting out of time machine i did it

wife did what

me i killed the guy who invented punctuation


Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.