@MaDom

I’ve never been skydiving, but I’ve zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.

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@Darlainky

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

@Pirate_nurse

If he’s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text…be smart enough to reply to all

“I still haven’t gotten my period.”

@sanjanaa

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

@Reverend_Scott

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

@chelliet22

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

@SortaBad

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

@tweetsbyrocket

me getting out of time machine i did it

wife did what

me i killed the guy who invented punctuation

@Brianhopecomedy

Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.