I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
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[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
💀💀
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.