Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

Can’t stop laughing.. 😂

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.