Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.

Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.

“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

Actually cracking up @ this

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.