Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

OH. COME. ON.

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶

Death Row inmate: how did you get in here

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive