I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
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Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
presenting your incognito window wrapped
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
*gets down on one knee*
When you let grandma cat sit
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
