I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
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[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Nothing to do, you say?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME