Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raisins are grape jerky.

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

I’m hunting wabbits…

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.