Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

Ron is short for Aaronald

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.

Most of the time.

Once in a while.

Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.