I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
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I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
About to throw up
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.