Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

My family: u about to go to work???

Me in my work clothes:

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.