I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
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The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
😜
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.