Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.