I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
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My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Why font matters.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.