Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”