I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
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People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.