I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
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Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Tony Hawk, age 6
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.