I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
![]()
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
![]()
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD