Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

Sorry my spirit animal peed on you.

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

fourth time’s the charm

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG

Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically

Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean

Tinder: Meet people within a few miles

Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump