I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
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I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
extrovert: *answers unknown number*
introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*