I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
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Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.