I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
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Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
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5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I had to Stop for this
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The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
my nickname in college
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