I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
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[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying