I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
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The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.