Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

lmfao

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

Realize this:

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.