I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
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her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
car not found
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.