‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
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A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”