‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
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He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
CRYING
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*