Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

How it started: No kicking balls in the house!

How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

My guardian angel deserves a raise

What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

Jesus: *rises after three days*

God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔