Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.