I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
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Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat