I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
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“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?