Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.

Next day

F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.

[speed dating]

Her: THIS IS NICE

Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO

Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed