Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

😭😭

Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

grotesque if literal: baby food