I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
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One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
🤣🤣
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Hotels are back
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]