I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
You Might Also Like
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y