I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
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just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…