I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

You Might Also Like


[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?


Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.


I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.


A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.


Can’t wait to say “I haven’t seen you since last year!” to everyone I see next week. I’m a very popular person with thousands of friends.


review of the year

Jan: no massive cow
Feb: no massive cow
Mar: no massive cow
Apr: no massive cow
May: no massive cow
Jun: no massive cow
Jul: no massive cow
Aug: no massive cow
Sep: no massive cow
Oct: no massive cow
Nov: there was a massive cow
Dec: no massive cow


Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before


That’s one healthy flower bed you’ve got blooming in your backyard. How many bodies do you have buried there?

-My attempts at small talk.


{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go