@squirrel74wkgn

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

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@TrueTorontoGirl

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

@NicCageMatch

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

@heidi420x

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

@_NTFG_

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

@rocknthepurple

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

@jwoodham

Can’t wait to say “I haven’t seen you since last year!” to everyone I see next week. I’m a very popular person with thousands of friends.

@mutablejoe

review of the year

Jan: no massive cow
Feb: no massive cow
Mar: no massive cow
Apr: no massive cow
May: no massive cow
Jun: no massive cow
Jul: no massive cow
Aug: no massive cow
Sep: no massive cow
Oct: no massive cow
Nov: there was a massive cow
Dec: no massive cow

@MarfSalvador

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

@LoneWolfStories

That’s one healthy flower bed you’ve got blooming in your backyard. How many bodies do you have buried there?

-My attempts at small talk.

@Home_Halfway

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go