Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

Howl 😭

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

Emma is smarter than all of us.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE