I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
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Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.