Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

smh

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.