I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
My favorite female superhero
