I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
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The internet is magic sometimes.
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Pringles
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!