I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
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“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
😭😭
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”