I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
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Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
