Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

This 4th of July, please remember…

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.