Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻‍♀️

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”

*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.