Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

Monday

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

Now who done made this a sport lmao

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.