Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”

That’s not in the rules!

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

*planning the destruction of the human race

Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices

Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters

Toasters: You guys are amateurs…

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.

DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.