I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
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Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.