I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
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age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
At ease
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.