I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
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Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”