I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
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A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
The legends speak of a third Duran…
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year