@JohnLyonTweets

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

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@ItsAndyRyan

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

@LindaInDisguise

You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.

@Elizasoul80

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

@writerPT

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

@LackOfShame

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

@girlnarly

[driving test]
me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop

@rockymomax

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

@AimeeHelene1

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

@TheBoydP

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.