Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

Hostage: [screaming]

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.