I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
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The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Haha! 😂
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
What my back needs
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee