Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.

How much for the vacation home?

Sir, this is a coffin.

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout