I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
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I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
husband: *worrying*
me: I don’t think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.