I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
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Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
The asteroid..
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”