I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
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me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
My dog ate my work from home.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??