Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.

The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.

christening a ship with an overripe banana

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?